Vida Emocional: Goodbye honey...

Pat has left for Birmingham today. Hmm… seriously I don’t know what to say now or where to start. The feeling is really complicated and really a little hard to describe.

For the past few weeks, I had been spending every single bit of possible free time with Pat as I wont be able to see him in one or two years. But well no matter how much time we spent together or no matter how much I tried to be fine about his departure, I still couldn’t help to cry a little when we mentioned about his departure. But eventually I got more prepared and was starting to be stronger and more positive about it. Last time when I saw couples around I would be thinking:”haih..how nice if my dear is here..” And two days ago when I saw two couples on the same day, I din think that way but instead I was thinking:” hmm… I can do that with my dear one or two years later for all I want..” At that point I thought I was stronger and I was happy that I could think optimistically.

But then after what happened just now, I would not say I m strong enough to adapt to Pat’s departure so soon. Before seeing Pat for the last time, I was crying a lot and Pat kept asking me if I was gonna be ok. My reply was :”ya don’t worry.” Cos I thought I was just being just normal emotional me who couldn’t bear to leave her darling. I told myself that once I stepped out of his room I should not drop a tear at all especially in front of Pat’s parents and sista. So when I thought I was ready to step out and bid goodbye to Pat’s family, i went out to the living room. But once I went out and said bye, his parents said:” ok..nvm u can go visit him in a year’s time..” I mean like..ya that was a very normal comment. But er I hav no idea y I just burst into tears in front of them.. and yes I mean everyone, Pat, his parents, his sista n bro-in-law. I was really trying hard to control myself but I just couldn’t stopped crying to the extent where I had to go back to pat’s room and wiped my tears before going out again. And then after that once again I thought I was ready and could face the rest, so I went out. But ha.. I was wrong again. I couldn’t control. But this time round I managed to contain my tears in my eyes. So with tearful eyes, I left Pat and his family. As I got into my car with tears trickling down my cheeks, Pat kept saying:” dear don’t be like this k, be strong k, everything will be ok….” I couldn’t really absorb what he said and just kept nodding and said:” okok..ya ya I know…” while stepping into the car. Then finally I left his place. Once I drove off, I seriously couldn’t control any longer.. I just kept crying and crying. I was hoping my sunglasses could hide my tears as driving and crying at the same time seemed a little embarrassing..haha. But hell. .. I had to use tissue to keep wiping my tears. So I guess it made no diff.

Then I just kept crying all the way home. Once I reached home, I just immediately grabbed some food and then watched some tv to distract myself a little. At the moment I could totally understand those people who indulge in eating or doing something else to avoid facing their emotion or sadness directly. I knew I had to keep myself occupied to divert my attention. I tried to sing along with my cd, instead of just listening to the music. But hey.. it made things worse. Somehow singing along just made me cry even more and reminded me of the truth. Sigh.. I thought I was stronger than this. At least I thought I wont cry so easily. But I was so so wrong. I m crying now.. and I cried just now in front of my sister.. basically I just cry anytime I think about it. I hope I will be able to control soon man.. if not I would embarrass myself in public.

A few years ago I knew Pat is gonna leave for UK . I had plenty of time to get mentally prepared. YA and I know it’s not gonna be easy at all. I know it’s gonna be very very tough. But guess I under-estimated it. It kinda hurt… in fact it hurts badly… I have never felt this pain before. It’s a different kind of pain u get during a quarrel. It’s hard to describe but I can tell u… it really hurts and I bet u don’t wanna experience it. Yup.. I know. He has to leave so no matter how much I cry I would still hav to face the fact. Guess I just need time to get used to it, like how yen said. I think everything will be ok once I get used to it. I hav no idea when I can be totally comfortable with it and I hav no idea when I can totally control my emotion or rather my tears. But I m trying and I will try hard.. cos life still goes on and many others have bigger trouble than this so who am I to complain? .. I m sure everything will be ok. At least I know we will try to make it ok.

Ok… I am sorry for this long and sad post.. I just need some way to vent my feeling and to keep myself occupied a little. Sorry

Ok here’s some pics

all three colors of the traffic light..